Encylopedia Brown and the Case of Lance Briggs' Lambo

UPDATE 2 - DOUBLE HOLY CRAP!! Turns out it was indeed Briggs that crashed his car. That just means Tom Brady's still got a reckoning coming.

UPDATE - HOLY CRAP! The Onion says that Encyclopedia Brown was found dead 4 years ago. Guess this case is going to go down as an unsolved mystery.

A black 2007 Lamborghini Roadster (MSRP: $350,000) registered to Lance Briggs was found wrecked and abandoned on a Chicago highway this morning. It is unclear who was driving at the time. Some rogue apparently thinks its ok to destroy exotic cars.

If someone asked me who I think is responsible for this atrocity and gave me the following options

A) Lance Briggs B) Michael Vick
C) Satan D) Antonio Bryant

I would be completely stumped. Michael Vick is apparently more unpopular than Osama bin Laden now, which shows we Americans can really keep things in perspective. Satan is a pretty sensitive guy (evidence here) so I don't think he's capable of this. Antonio Bryant has expertise on disastrous career decisions with a Lamborghini, but only in muted colors like "Oro Adonis". Lance Briggs only owns the car so it couldn't have been him. I'll go with E) Tom Brady, because too many good things are happening for him these days - he's due for a fall.

"Shawne Merriman is going to wipe this douchey look off my face in Week 2."

Other dark horse suspects include Eddie Griffin and Stefan Eriksson.

Basically it boils down to this: Lance Briggs is innocent because he wasn't in, around, or near the wreck. There's a lesson for all you kids: if you get in an accident, the right thing to do is flee into the dark of night. Hey, it worked for Batman and he's a hero.