NFL Goes Hollywood

To celebrate the end of the summer movie season and all the other masterpieces of 2007, each team is going to be assigned a hit (or dud) from this year that should closely match its upcoming season. Even if I'm wrong on everything, at least you'll be able to decide what to add to your Netflix queue. And if some clown adds up the wins and losses and they don't come out even, consider this a preemptive "I don't give a f*ck." Now withough further ado, here are the picks for the 2007 season.

NFC WEST

YOUR San Francisco 49ers (10-6)
Transformers - Blockbuster offseason moves and this team is ready to go Optimus Prime on everyone

Seattle Seahawks (9-7)
Daddy Day Care - This team is as over as Cuba's career.

St. Louis Rams (8-8)
Hot Fuzz - Which is all that Steven Jackson's going to have left on his scalp after Willis smokes him.

Arizona Cardinals (6-10)
Ocean's Thirteen - Leinart hoping he's in "Fourteen" to beat douchey-look champ Clooney.

NFC EAST

Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
Rush Hour 3 - Chris Tucker and McNabb both looking pudgy and slow. But good for one last hit.

Dallas Cowboys (10-6)
Catch and Release - Also known as The Tony Romo Playoff special.

New York Giants (7-9)
Breach - They're familiar with being betrayed by one of their own.

Washington Redskins (6-10)
The Number 23 - Like Jim Carrey, all the promise ends in a spectacular bust every time.

NFC NORTH

Chicago Bears (12-4)
300 - Defense is as fierce as the Spartans at the Hot Gates. But will also end up just short of their goal.

Green Bay Packers (9-7)
Are We Done Yet? – Seriously, Bret. Are we? I don't know who's sadder at this point - him or Ice Cube.

Detroit Lions (6-10)
The Condemned - Matt Millen after another sub-.500 season

Minnesota Vikings (4-12)
Mr. Brooks – Even the title character's namesake The Human Turnover, Aaron, would improve their QB situation.

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints (12-4)
The Simpsons Movie - You thought the good times couldn't last, but you'll be surprised.

Carolina Panthers (10-6)
A Mighty Heart - What Steve Smith needs in order to put up with Jake Delhomme’s INTs.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9)
Pirates of the Carribbean 3 – PotC series and Gruden have gone steadily downward. 2007 should put both out of their misery.

Atlanta Falcons (3-13)
Stomp the Yard - What Ookie is going to be doing by the end of the season.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers (13-3)
Spider Man 3 - Trendy to hate on them - but they'll end up with the title when the dust settles.

Denver Broncos (10-6)
Mr. Bean's Holiday - Like Mr. Bean, Shanahan wishing it was still the late Nineties. Mainly because he still hasn't found TD's replacement.

Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry - Well, just Larry. I mean really, JUST Larry.

Oakland Raiders (4-12)
28 Weeks Later – And JaMarcus Russell will still be unsigned.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots (12-4)
Knocked Up - Come on Tommy. Who's next?

New York Jets (9-7)
Superbad - This ragtag bunch may be better than their mentors above.

Buffalo Bills (7-9)
Hot Rod - Lookalikes JP Losman and Andy Samberg - hot today, gone tomorrow

Miami Dolphins (5-11)
I Know Who Killed Me - Took Trent Green a full season, but he finally figured it out.

AFC NORTH

Baltimore Ravens (12-4)
Zodiac - Downright scary. And probably can't be caught.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)
Ghost Rider - Just because Ocho Cinco looks like him

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)
I Think I Love My Wife - The reason Cowher left after 15 years

Cleveland Browns (4-12)
Fantastic Four 2 - Both are equally awful, even with talentless eye-candy for the opposite sex (Quinn and Alba)

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis Colts (11-5)
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Lost players means the defending champs are headed for tougher times like everyone's favorite Hogwartsian - but they'll be right there in the end.

Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7)
Live Free or Die Hard - Defense comes with as many explosions as McLean.

Tennessee Titans (7-9)
Ratatouille – VY still has no WRs, so he's gonna be running like that little guy all season.

Houston Texans (4-12)
Hostel 2 - Reggie Bush in another uniform was torture last year. This one will be even worse. (On a side note, I don't understand who watches movies like this or why they get made. Fucking twisted.)

NFC Playoffs
Niners (4) over Cowboys (5)
Panthers (6) over Eagles (3)

Saints (1) over Niners (4)
Bears (2) over Panthers (6)

AFC Playoffs
Colts (4) over Broncos (5)
Patriots (3) over Bengals (6)

Chargers (1) over Colts (4)
Patriots (3) over Ravens (2)

Super Bowl XLII
CHARGERS 27 SAINTS 17